I have all the usual worries, well the worries of someone in my situation. I’m 28 and in a very rocky long-term relationship, too scared to move in with him, too scared to think about any of it. Flitting from job to job, internship to internship, at the moment it’s a part time admin job because that is all I have managed to secure in the past however many months, too many months to bare thinking about. I have very minimal money, I want babies soon, I want a place I can truly call home, this is not where I thought I would be, blah, blah, blah. Yet there is something inside me that goes beyond all that surface crap, something dark that lies underneath it all and puts a dampener on who I am and what I do.
I feel like there is a happy, fun and talented person in there, I’ve been her before but it’s been so long that maybe this is the real me and she is just a temporary erm, well . . . I don’t know what. Who is she anyway? The life and soul of the party, but she is also more often than not, fuelled by alcohol and the rest. A few weeks back I had a moment of clarity or happiness or something along those lines. It was in a Tesco car park in a murky seaside town of all places and I really noticed the air I was breathing in, the beauty of the world around me and how lucky I was to be alive and experience life. That was a fleeting moment but for some reason it made me think that I should write a blog.
I’ve tried writing, I’ve written for websites, I used to write pretty damn good essays but I’m so lost I can’t even remember how to write. The best thing I ever wrote was my diary when I was 12 and it was because I just wrote whatever I thought, all the time knowing that there was no one to judge. I can’t even write a diary anymore because I’m constantly writing it as if someone could be reading it, just in case. This is what has led me to thinking, what if I could just write an anonymous blog full of things I really feel and think, no matter how shallow, or cheesy, or depressive, because no one would ever no it was me. So what if I’ve forgotten how to write and my grammar and spelling is a bit crap because again, no one knows it is me. But will they guess? Will all my deepest darkest thoughts be exposed to everyone I’m scared to expose them to?
I don’t know if anyone is going to give a shit about reading my self indulgent thoughts but I feel so alone that I need a vice to let it all out and I’ve decided this is going to be it. I’d kinda like it if someone read it, not sure why – maybe they could relate.
P.S. I miss those upside down question marks you used to get on old Nokia phones. They are so fitting.